Disappointment

Disappointment:
I should start this off with stating that I love my husband. I knew who he was before I married him. I knew that both of us were and are sinners who have been saved by the grace of God, and that we would both continually fail each other. I write this not to bad mouth him, but to vent my thoughts.
It is no secret that I have a deep desire to stay at home. My husband has consistently said that he supports me in this, however any financial steps, or anything really that goes with preparing for this has been taken on by me. I want to stay at home, but I also love the art of teaching. Two weeks ago I asked Jeremy to help me pursue a job with distance education, teaching online. He loves technology and loves playing around, so I thought he would enjoy helping me with this. I knew that if I was to try and work from home I would need his help. I wanted to see how much he was willing to help so I set up an experiment. Everyday I would ask if to either watch Lily so I could do a job search, or to spend a few minutes of his free time looking for job openings. He never did any of these things. So I got even more specific. I would say,  "honey, tonight before we settle down with you read over my resume to make sure it is okay for the online jobs". He did not do this either. This morning however is when my dreams were crushed. His words of support officially and irrefutably were not put into action of support . I had three places that I wanted to finish applications too and upload my resume, I got up early to do this, but did not finish before Lily woke up. I asked Jeremy to watch her for 20 minutes while I finished. He said, "sure", but did not follow through. He did not come close, he sat there with his stupid smart phone, ( that I hate and want to break everyday because he loves spending time on it more then he loves spending time doing anything else), and played on it. Meanwhile Lily wanted someone to read her a couple of books and walked up to him and banged them on his knee but he did not notice, so of course she came to me to play. I asked him to help me out, and it was the same result.

At that moment I realized I could not count on him for this. It may seem simple, but if I am going to embark on an entirely knew career with 2 children under 2 at home I will need help. That help is not there, and if it was to ever be there it would not be something I could count on. I do not like to fail. I prepare for things. I will not take a job if we fair the dress rehearsal and we did. I am sad and disappointed. Dreams change. It is better to know now that this is my life then to commit to something and let it be far worse. Jeremy has never held me back before, he has always supported me. There is a reason this is not working out and no matter what happens I am confident that we will find someone to care for our children who is loving, supporting and an amazing teacher.

sorry for venting