Five days till Christmas break

People always say that Christmas is the time when dreams come true, so dream big.

I dreamed that as  a teacher I would make a difference.

I dreamed that I could change the world, one student at a time.

I thought that if I worked hard enough, and prayed long enough, and loved the kids enough then lives would be changed, and the world would be a better place. I do not think this anymore.



Christmas is the time or perpetual hope, and despite the countless times a  student may let me down, or an entire class may let me down , I continue to be optimistic of the future. I feel that as a person I am losing hope. This is not me, or who I am, but who I am becoming and I do not like it. I want to make a difference, I want to make the world a better place. How many times must I fall flat on my face in front of my students, realizing I failed at my goal yet again before it is enough?
Is God giving me a lesson in perseverance or is it a sign that I should do something else with my life and become a stay at home Mom.

I know that Christmas is coming, and students are getting excited, but this is not a new problem, this has been growing and building over the past few years and no amount of training or schooling or certifications has made it any easier.

I used to have little things happen to me, or have things students and coworkers would say to get me through the day. It has been a long time and when it does happen it is sweet and delightful, but often followed by a storm.
Perhaps I have grown selfish, I did not become a teacher for me, I knew it was the position of a servant, we are serving the youth of our society and as I know future teachers will be reading this I feel guilty to be so honest. I am sad and lonely in this profession and feel as though I am drowning and do not know what to do about it.